Relationship Goal-Setting: It Isn’t Sexy, But It Works
When you think of goal setting, it’s not a sexy topic. At first blush, you might not think about goals and your relationship at the same time. However, unless you give attention to your relationship, it will stay the same. We just love that quote defining insanity:
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”
So ask yourself: Has your relationship been “stuck?” Are you going insane? Maybe it’s time for you and your partner to start creating some relationship goals.
For example, if you are dating casually, you may have a goal to advance the relationship to exclusivity. If you are in an exclusive relationship, you may have a goal to get engaged, get married or move in together. If you are happily married, you may have a goal to build an extraordinary relationship. If you are unhappily married, you may have a goal of reviving your relationship.
Individual Goals vs. Joint Goals Made Simple
There are two categories of relationship goals:
(1) Individual goals about the relationship, and
(2) Joint goals about the relationship.
Here is an example of each. “I want to become a better listener” is an individual goal. “We will add more play and fun to our relationship by making an extra date night on Wednesdays” is a joint goal. Here’s the difference: with the joint relationship goals, both partners must agree to them and participate in them.
Our Goals Setting Process Made Simple
- On our own, we write or revise our own individual goals. These individual goals include personal goals and individual relationship goals. These do not need to be agreed upon, and sharing is optional.
- Next, we individually write some ideas for joint relationship goals.
- We share our joint relationship goals with each other and begin the process of crafting mutually agreeable joint goals. When we both come up with a similar goal, it’s easy to meld our individual versions into a common goal. When they don’t meld, we discuss them. Some become joint goals, and some get pitched.
For example, Lewis’ proposed goal of a scuba diving vacation got nixed when he discovered Diane is not a fan of the underwater world. However, Diane’s proposal for working together on a flower garden was happily adopted by Lewis. We never try to coerce each other into adopting a joint goal that we are not both excited about.
Things Not To Forget
We make our goals comprehensive, covering all aspects of our relationship: home, family, work, leisure and finances. We ask two questions that help us create our joint goals:
(1) What do we value in our relationship, and
(2) What do we want to improve in our relationship?
We write down our goals. Why? The kinetic energy of hand writing goals seems to help with the manifestation process. Our goals, whether joint or individual, become clearer and easier to understand when written. Most importantly, we can refer back to our written goals to see how we are doing. This helps us stay committed.
Think Big, Plan Small
We think BIG about our goals so that they excite us. For example, a set of financial goals might include: be debt-free, obtain a vacation home and retire at age 62. However, once we agree on the big goal, we plan the small steps necessary to achieve those goals. These small action steps are things we can achieve in the current year. We love feeling successful and we always celebrate our little wins. We make sure our celebrations are ridiculously fun!
Benefits of Goal Setting
- First: We connect to each other as we dream about our future together.
- Second: We discover where our dreams are not in alignment and decide how to deal with that without judging or arguing
- Third: We create action steps that will ensure our success as a couple.
“Hold an image of the life you want, and that image will become fact” — Dr. Vincent Norman Peale
The Fun of Sharing Our Individual Goals with Each Other
Although our individual goals don’t necessarily have anything to do with our relationship, we can choose to share these with each other. This helps us understand what is important to each other. Intimacy is instantly created. Furthermore, we find ways to help and support each other accomplish our goals. For example, Lewis has a goal to walk 20 minutes each day and Diane has a goal to do two Toastmaster speeches a month. We support each other by scheduling daily walks together during which Diane practices her speeches.
Using a Coach
When you have a coach, you do what you say you’re going to do. Why? Because you know that your coach is going to ask you if you followed through. We like to call it “healthy pressure.”
Throughout history, kings, presidents, rulers, athletes and actors have used coaches. Today, coaches are used in many areas of life, including relationships.
There is no lack of information about coaching. Suffice it to say that we have used a fabulous coach and now offer relationship coaching to others.
Here it is–an oldie but goodie–like business goals, relationship goals should be S.M.A.R.T.: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. The more your goals embody these five characteristics, the more likely you are to achieve them.
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